Dear God:
Trusting you does not come easily.
The lines between trust and wishful-thinking and a sense of entitlement and even greed are not always clear. It’s so easy to slip from trust into any of the others. It’s easy to call the others “trust” and turn them into some sort of test.
This is what I wonder, today.
Maybe wishful thinking has a lightness to it. An ease to it where there is the expectation of flow and being cared for without really caring. Maybe wishful thinking is a form of procrastination. “This will work out,” it says without the expectation of work. It is sprinkled with fake fairy dust and magic so fake that even the magician fools themselves.
Maybe the sound of entitlement is the last bit of water circling the bathtub drain. It expects because the expectation of being served is nurtured. The faithful ring a bell and God (or god) answers with a “sir” or a “m’lady.” A pittance is paid and God (or god) is expected to be thankful. To the side, parents and grandparents and great-grandparents, etc. nod their approval.
Maybe Greed is violent and tries to snatch a blessing out of God’s hands; pummeling God into submission. It tries to enslave God, to own God, to sell God. Greed only sacrifices others on its own altar that it creates to serve itself. It smiles and lies.
I have been acquainted with all of these. Intimately.
I thought my faith had failed when they did.
They were little deaths.
I think trust is a decision. It is the deep breath before moving. Trusting you scares me a little bit, always, and a lot, sometimes. It is not devoid of doubt or desperation. It is letting go when letting go seems unwise but called for or holding on when holding on seems unwise but called for. It is not always pleasant and you serve it but it
sets
the whole world
free.
Trust is lifting my sweaty palms in praise and giving my racing heart to you.
It is not easy to trust in you but
it might be the best decision I make today.
Amen
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